I'm all fucked up today. That's how depression is sneaky because some days you'll be feeling completely fine—better than that even, I've been feeling better than I've felt in years for the past few days, and then just in the last five hours or so WHAM just out of fucking nowhere comes this crushing, Atlas-breaking heaviness. And there's nothing you can do, no hopeful reminder, no song to whistle to yourself, no anodyne (not one that works in the time allotted, there have been trials with Ketamine (really) as it's been the only effective thing to treat "acute onset depression," although the depression tends to only go away after one deals with, what can be, a rather grueling experience while the Ketamine does what it's known for which is make you have rather vivid and intense hallucinations and a certain lack of fine motor-functionality (small price to pay for Ketamine at other times, but when you're in the middle of an "acute depressive episode" not always the mindset one wants to have when stepping into the realm of higher consciousness)), no way to bring yourself out of it. Like I was just talking about, when you're so depressed that it becomes physical you are already in a place where you have lost a lot of motor-function since your CNS becomes concurrently depressed along with your psyche, esp. the more depressed one gets and the longer it lasts, the more time it has to latch on to your whole body, and not just your mind... not that "just your mind" isn't enough of it to take hold of, because believe me, it's plenty to make you feel like you've been hijacked by the disease—and that's how I fell asleep for four hours without even really being tired. Just because lay down was the only thing I could do that wasn't something harmful. That's how much this thing takes over.
I don't know if you've ever actually seen real camera filters, not just ones on a computer, but they used to be things that you had to slide in front of a holder that was in front of the lens, and it's like your whole body is the holder for those filters except you're not the one who has any say over what filter goes in and all of a sudden it's just been slid in there, right in the middle of your whole being, and now everything you see is awful.
That is sort of the good thing about Ketamine though, is that it doesn't have so much of the right place and right time necessity that something like LSD or psilocybin needs. It comes on so hard and so fast that it can just rinse away whatever you were feeling before and just be it's own separate thing, whereas LSD and mushrooms most definitely benefit from "good vibes" and a lack of overall harshness in the mind when going into it.
Anyway, you know what Mrs. Kuntswerth was telling me earlier? She was saying that I use italics too much. So I looked it up, it turns out that use of italics has been discouraged from writing and print in general all because it used to be a big pain in the ass for the type-setter to get out the regular set of blocks for whatever font he printed his paper in along with the italic blocks, that was if he even had the italic blocks at all, because that would have meant purchasing a whole other set of letters. Same thing with most typewriters, for the longest time most typewriters didn't even come with italics. So what this means is that something that was based on either laziness or a lack of proper materials has now become "literary convention." That's right, I'm not supposed to be allowed to use italics "too often" because of fucking typesetting. Most of you probably don't even know what fucking typesetting is and I have to abide by the rules of the fucking typesetter because my italics might upset them? Fuck that fucking bullshit. Can you believe that? This is how pathetic our systems of communication are that we aren't even allowed to express ourselves as naturally as we think correct because of "conventions" that came about because of shit technology. I mean, great that typesetting was invented and all, but we've had these things called computers for quite some time now, and yet it's still considered improper to use italics "too often" in written works. Who decides this shit? I've got a whole box of emojis and "special characters" that are available to me in different boxes in the writing program I am using, but God forbid I want to say something like this lest it piss of the fucking typesetter. Well you know what? I don't think that's a job anymore... not that writing is—but still...
I do love knowing things like that though. It's fun to know the reason why our books look the way they do, why most writers don't or couldn't use things like emphasis in their writing, all because some asshole who lugged around a set of metal letters for a living would get all surly with you for trying to be more exacting in your communication. And then instead of immediately adopting something once technology does allow us the capability of it, instead of embracing newness, and better, clearer transmission of ideas and concepts, we as humans like to say that the constraints are better!
God, it just goes across everything too, this is the human mindset, if you're locked into something all you have to do to make it tolerable is say that it's the "right" thing to do. If you've ever listened to Radiolab maybe you've heard the episode "Deception," wherein you'll hear such wonderful tidbits, my favorite of which being that people who are the most "successful" are the people who lie to themselves the most. And if you are familiar with Terrance McKenna, maybe you've heard his line, "Culture is a trap," and of course the people who are the most "successful" within these traps are the people who lie to themselves the most—you'd have to just to be able to make all of this shit seem like it makes any sense at all, and of course the people who believe it the most are lying to themselves at all times, therefore they "do better" at life. We take everything that we are lacking, like the ability to communicate more clearly for my case here, and at first we just think, Oh that that's the way it is, but then certain people take the constraint and say that it's wonderful! That's how you should be doing it... You have to love the cage to love life, and in fact it turns out that most depressed people are actually the most honest people in the world. The happier you are the more you lie—to yourself and everyone around you. It just makes so much fucking sense you could scream.