How to move to New York. That's what we're writing about. That's what this fucking thing is called so that's what it must be goddammit! That's the attitude you need to have, Skrakowski. Ship up or shape off mutherfucker! Now get yer ass in gear and tell these people the real shit they need to know and quit pretending like you know a goddam thing about fucking anything else besides being a goddam fuckup!
Damn, turns out there's a drill instructor in my head, too. Fuck.
Back in my day (in 2007) we used to call facebook MySpace, and it was any color of the rainbow you wanted it to be and oh the songs that would pop up out of nowhere when you were checking out hot girls' pages, and your girlfriend at the time knew all these songs by heart, which song meant whichever girl it was you were ogling and oh did she howl when she found out you were looking at the tiny blonde's pictures with whom you went to community college!
But, whatever MySpace is called in your time, that is how you will move to New York. That is where you will find the gay friend of your ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-girlfriend's cousin who you will live with (true story). Even if you hate facebook as much as everyone says they do, you better keep that profile, or else you'll be like that annoying friend of yours who keeps deleting his page twice a year and then has to re-friend everyone he's ever known because now he's in a play he needs everyone to come see or the producer won't fuck him (true story). And then all of your friends will be like, "Why am I not already friends with him? He must've deleted me at some point," and all your friends will hate you but never bring it up to your face because they're too worried that you already hate them enough to unfriend them. Don't be that guy. Just be dormant and create an aura of mystery. Just kidding, nobody gives a shit about you, and they've probably forgotten you even existed, unless for some reason they think that you unfriended them, in which case they'll be pissed because now it's about them... Hmmm, maybe you should just constantly start and delete pages that way everyone always thinks that you think that they're beneath you, which will constantly keep them wanting to know what's going on with you... so that is what you should do.
Also, you need to acclimate yourself to extreme discomfort—Oh! Here's a fun fact about New York City. So when most of the apartment buildings were built (which all used to be tenement buildings, true) there was a terrible epidemic of tuberculosis going around. So, to ensure that people would keep their windows open, even in the winter, they made the radiators entirely too powerful for the tiny rooms they were to be placed in so that each room would be smolderingly hot unless you opened a window in the room, this way, even with the windows open in sub-freezing weather the rooms would stay perfectly heated, and allow fresh air into the room as to not help incubate the tuberculosis. Now, I'm sure this was all fine and good 100 or so years ago, but now that any apartment you move into will have 100 years of paint built up over the windows (and most of which is lead paint (also, very true)), you will not be able to open the windows that were supposed to be left open all year long. Either that or you might have open-able windows but you will live with extremely obnoxious roommates (tautology) or extremely obnoxious girlfriends (tautology) who will whine whenever you open a window, even though the meat-thermometers in your kitchen that only start at around 160° Fahrenheit because they are meant for things that are cooking, are going well into the lines designated on said thermometer what means you are ready take the pork out of the oven.
You can practice for living in this type of environment by getting a space-heater, and then read the instructions for this space-heater. Now, however it says to keep this space-heater from catching on fire, you need to do all of those things. Great! So now that there's a literally flaming piece of metal in your room, practice sleeping next to it for as long as you can each night until one night when you magically no longer notice that there is fire inches away from you.
On the other side of this, there's also a very (very) good chance that you will be living in a room that was never, ever, ever meant to have humans living inside of it, like a closet, a pantry, a walk-in humidor, or a cheese-ripening cellar in the middle of a sidewalk. This will mean that there will be no radiator within 25 feet of this room, and you will be able to see your breath well until the middle of summer, when suddenly it is (once again) time that the pork is ready in your room. And due to the constraints on the overall electrical output of your building (which probably has only enough power flowing through it to charge one MacBook per floor at a time), since your building was built 100 years ago, when having one outlet in any room was considered not just a luxury, but even frivolous, you will not be allowed to put in any kind of air-conditioning unit, so, once again, to prepare for "life" in this room during the summer just repeat the above recommended praxis with your burning space-heater.
For the rest of the year where you can always see your breath, you can prepare for this by inviting priests to perform exorcisms in your house, which, will in turn also help you to learn how to deal with your future roommates/girlfriends! But seriously folks...
Hell, New York itself is extreme discomfort. The city has hovered around a population of 8,000,000 people since 1950, like the iconic movie line, "There are eight million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them." Well If you don't know it you're a pathetic fuck, but, now you have heard it, so you're just slightly less pathetic, but, the 8,000,000 part is right. And the reason New York City has remained at just around this population is because this is the city's max capacity. What makes New York New York, is its particular geography. Little tiny penis-shaped island, that everyone wants to be on (regardless of whether Brooklyn is cool or not for that decade). Manhattan is New York. And if Manhattan is a little penis-shaped island, then Brooklyn is its sweaty nutsack. You see, every other city, esp. in the U.S. can (and does) have sprawl. But New York's size and shape have kept it safe from this very American cityward attribute. If you go to Europe most places have sort of been at their capacities for a while now, but the U.S. still has lots more space than most other places in the world, except for New York. It can't go anywhere but up, except most of these buildings that most New Yorkers still live in were built just around 100 years ago, and this makes them "historic" and therefore, nobody's allowed to plow them down and build new shit on top of them. Of course, if they have enough money they still do it, but "enough money" to do that in New York is a certifiable shit-ton anywhere else. So, a lot of places basically have a cap on just how high they can go since so many of the buildings are these "historic" buildings, meaning that the space for more people doesn't increase by much each year, except in the past ten years where