Whenever you start bad-mouthing rich people someone's always going to pipe up with the very original comment that, "It's just 'cause your jealous of them!" Well, yeah... of course that's what it is. Doesn't mean that I want to act like they do were I to have all that money. That's the point of wanting to become something else, is hopefully you think enough of yourself that you think that by you becoming one of these things that you are good enough to make this group look better. And if you're in it (whatever you are into) because you think being in that group is going to make you look better, then you're a fucking sucker who's totally helpless.
Like me being a journalist, I felt (for whatever fucking reason) that writing needed me. I already told you that my least favorite thing growing up was having to read something because reading was so fucking boring, well I thought that maybe I could do something about that. I don't hate reading as much as I did when I was a kid, but I still think it needs a kick right in the soft-stuff, and I like to think that my writing can be that steel-toed boot right to the testicles of shitty bullshit writing. I mean, as much writing as I can get done before I off myself, which, is probably gonna be this year because I don't understand the point of sticking around. I don't like sunsets or travel or going out, I think fucking is boring, and I can't drink or do drugs or eat any of the food that I like, so really, how much of this is one person supposed to tolerate just to prove that... what? That you're good at tolerating things that you don't like? Because that seems to be about as good of a reason as anyone can give me for sticking around. I mean, I've liked finding Preacher and The Invisibles and the books of Robert Anton Wilson, I think things like that are fun, and of course there is an entire world of things out there still yet to be discovered and read, but is that a reason to put up with the rest of it? I don't think so. Oh, my dog Audra. I love her SO much. And my sister is the greatest, funniest, smartest person in the entire world, but at some point you just can't be around for everyone else any longer. Or be a drain on everyone else any longer. I mean, I'd like to think that my writing would somehow be helping somebody at some point, helping them with what I have no fucking clue what that could be, but at least somebody would get something out of it, maybe a chuckle here or there, or just to know that they aren't the only person in the world sitting around thinking about their own deaths all the time, or whatever, but, is that amount of "helping" (I don't think I'm legally allowed to call it "helping" if all I'm doing is giving depressed people more reasons to hate everything, or to off themselves, but that's sorta what all my favorite writers have done for me, so...) worth what is basically just a whole group of people working their asses off to keep me on what is really nothing more than a life support system?
Now, if I could turn all this hate into money somehow and help them out, then I'd consider that worth it. But what all of your favorite books neglect to mention is the Hell that is sending out query letters, and trying to describe your worth to an agent, and then of course there's the naggy turd voice in my head who I can hear going, "Well, if you want it bad enough then that's just what you do, and if not then maybe you're just not good enough," and... no. That's what you do if you want to make money, and you only want to make money if there are things that you want to own or do in your life, and if you are like me and you don't like anything then why would you want to spend time writing queries and reports and proposals, when you could be spending that time writing about how much you hate everything?
I had this philosophy for a while that "You should always hate the person that you were yesterday," and... I guess I'm trying to decide if I still believe in that or not... or maybe that was just a way of me absolving myself of all the horrible things I had done the day before, which, were probably pretty fucking bad and/or incredibly stupid. But I still think it's a pretty decent way to be, not that anyone can or should change that much, but it's just sort of a misanthropic way of saying that you should be better than the person you were yesterday, but, as I've noticed with men—I actually realized this watching something about the undeniably brilliant Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, and it showed him as an older guy going into Jann Wenner's office and hosing him down with a fire extinguisher, and it was just... sad. And it just made me see that the older men get the more they just become caricatures of themselves. And that's the exact opposite of being dynamic, and changing drastically every day, because they just sink into this role of who they think they were whenever it was that they think that they were at their best. And because that's what's expected of them. So here was this old Hunter S. coming in and trying to think of what Hunter S. would do in this situation, instead of just doing whatever he would've done had he not had to live up to being the Hunter S., and that is exactly what being a caricature is. And I see that of every older man, and it's just... it's just one more reason to call it quits when you're young.
I mean, I'm obviously already curmudgeonly enough without piling on—Shit, if I were to assume that I even had the capacity to double the life I have right now and die then, I'd still be like 15 years under the national average life-expectancy when I died—so I think I'm already into the caricature side of my being, no matter how much I'd rather not be, or how "aware" of it I am. I think that nothing can keep a man from becoming just the fat-tipped marker lines of his former self, and I already am that! That's where women have us beat, is that they stay dynamic for most of their lives, that's probably where most marriages find the biggest problems, is that women are always looking to change, and men are always looking to rest, to just "Everyone shut the fuck up and leave me alone" their lives away.