This is reposted from my stuff on The Journist!
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!HereswhathappenedistheyfiguredouttheycanjustshrinkthespaceAROUNDthespaceshipinsteadof—sorry *gasping for air* gimmie a sec, whew, I'm just, like, REALLY excited about this one... hang on, I still can't breathe, woo... ahem. Okay... lemme start over, SO, what happened is—God, I haven't been this excited since New Kids got back together—okay, ready?
Two words: Warp speed, bitches. (One, two—dammit.)
Three words: Warp speed, bitches.
That's right. Ever since man invented the wheel his first thought was, "That shit's cool and all, but I bet if I lowered that shit to the ground, got a head scoop and put a spoiler on that wheel I could top out at like... AT LEAST 150, 160 pph (pterodactyls per hour, miles weren't invented yet, duh), then I'd get like a airbrush Selena going into a crucifixion know what I'm sayin', SHIT'D BE TIGHT, SON... and Zog, pssssh, Zog with his murdered out wheel down the block gonna look all bunk the girls be all, 'Pssssh that Nigga Zog clownin' with that shit,' right my dude?" *Fistbump into explosion into smoking pretend joint into shocker*
It all comes down to biology really. Because the faster I can get to more chicks the more I can "Spreadeth thine seed over vaj and face alike, and God said to Simba, 'All you can see is yours to be lain.'" And most of it was good.
In 1994 a Mexican theoretical physicist named Miguel Alcubierre figured out that all you need is about one universe's worth of energy in "exotic matter" (really) and instead of trying to get the ship and the people inside to go the speed of light requiring nearly infinite energy (I don't need to explain Special Relativity to you guys) you just merely bend or "warp" (ohhhhh) the space AROUND the ship to the other space you wanna go. Then, Bingo Bango, you're havin' drinks with Han Solo and chasin' blue muff around! Huh? Huh?
Whoa, sorry, I just became a hypergalactic used car salesman for a second. The way Alcubierre's math worked was that the ship would be in some sort of bubble where everything was normal, but the space in front of the ship was compressed and the space behind the ship expanded, I KNOW! SO COOL! And his math proved accurate, too! The only little glitches were the things like what the Hell is "exotic matter" and why do we need a universe worth, because, that's, like, way more than a tank of gas. Oh yeah, and we don't actually know HOW to build something that can warp space yet...
To Editor Please Ignore in Article: Why does the fucking press release from NASA say the math was correct if we don't know how to build the damn thing, what the fuck does that mean?!?
Yeah, well, tell NASA to figure out what's goin' on over there!
Anyway, early improvements were things like getting the amount of fuel necessary to get us merely 10 times the speed of light (still not fast enough, bro) to just over three times the mass of the sun. Then someone knocked it down to just as much mass as Jupiter... still a little hard to fit in a booster rocket but...
Then comes along NASA's Harold "Sonny" White—
To Editor Please Ignore in Article: Do you think you have to have a nickname to get into NASA or do you think THEY give them the nicknames? It's a valid question! I'm serious! Uh huh, yeah, I see. Yes. Yes. Yep, gettin' back to work right now! Sorry...
Harold "Sonny" White was able to get the amount of "exotic matter" down to a measly metric ton AND this dude is so confident it can work he is already setting up test warps.
Sadly, much like the DEA and drugs, you can't just walk in there and ask what new synthetic heroins they have (that's how I got this scar on the back of my head right... here) and just like when I walked into NASA and was all, "Hey! Is Sonny around?!? Tell him to warp this!" (at which point my lawyer wants me to tell you that I "accidentally" "might have" pointed "in the direction of" my crotch but at no time did I ever, ever have my "fully erect penis out" and never was I "making it (in their statement) mouth the words to 'The Star Spangled Banner'")
The bad news is that they have to do a bunch of lameass tests to make sure it's safe or some shit until we can fly me to "Pleibos to meet some nymphos" (which, apparently is also, only alleged) but since I am immortal I will live to travel warp speed and I will come BACK from the Future to tell you without a doubt that Pleibian pus—I can't say that either? But it's true! You KNOW I'm immortal! I AM from the futur—you know what, this is ridiculous, journalism is about TRUTH godammit and if you won't let me tell these people the truth than—