Apparently it is such big news that Mr. Fancypants The New York Times decided to pay somebody to write an article about people who don't use deodorant. I also do not use deodorant. But unlike these people who claim that they do not smell, I smell like garbage all the time. Ask anybody who comes near me or stands next to me on a train or elevator, they will say, "WTF GET AWAY FROM ME!"
I mean, I use a deodorant type thing, one of those rocks that you get from Whole Foods called Neil's Magic Nodor Crystal or Zoe's Organic Buttrub or something, and no it doesn't work like Old Spice, but there is a noticeable difference from days when I remember to use it and days when I don't.
There a couple of reasons for this.
1) I would rather stink like a bum than smell like Captain of the Axe Bodyspray Team. Today at the gym I was next to one of these dudes on the treadmill, and it probably has something to do with my five year long cocaine bender, but my nose literally (see how annoying it is when people use this word incorrectly) burst into flames and I had to douse the literal flames from my nose with literal water. Every time I smell a scent like cologne or deodorant I sneeze like crazy and the smell sticks inside my nose for hours. It's like when you hear a shitty song coming out of a car window for two seconds but it gets stuck in your head all day, except I have their fucking stink-echo setting fires in my brain.
2) Sex. Siblings and other people who don't want to know such things about me stop reading... now.
I like sex to be an "all-access" sort of event. And when people read that they immediately think that you mean buttholes (I do mean buttholes, but not only buttholes), I also like armpits, and have you ever gotten a big mouthul of anti-perspirant? That can dry up (double entendre, 10 points!) a sex session real quick. It is the weirdest sensation, and you can actually feel your tongue sort of just hanging out of your mouth because it just won't work after you lick an anti-perspiranted armpit. You definitely can't do anything sexy with your tongue for at least five minutes until some moisture returns to it and it stops looking like some sort of powdered Asian dessert and the only things you can say anyway are, "Buh huth... mmmmth... THARDER, THARDER."
3) Gross! Why the fuck should I smell you? I mean, yes, up there I did just say that I stink, but that's only if you are close to me, and I don't take the train everyday anymore SO WHY ARE YOU ALL STANDING UP ON ME? HUH? You should not be able to smell another person anymore than you should be able to hear another person you are not directly conversing with. People can be loud with more than just their voices. You can look loud and you can definitely smell loud.
4) I think I've gone on long enough here.
5) I think I'm hungry again.
6) One time I had a good idea and then I got bored so I stopped wri
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